Have you ever spent hours doing something and then realized later that it was a complete waste of time? This is especially frustrating when the activity itself had absolutely no purpose or benefit. I call this empty calorie time or nutrition less activities. With the advent of technology I find that I am constantly being sucked into activities—or non-activities where hours flitter away and nothing is accomplished or felt. However, it is important to note that play time is not empty calorie time. Having fun, doing sometime to lift your mood or enjoying yourself is not empty calorie time. This means that sometimes certain activities can be fun, and sometimes they can be nutrition-less.

Facebook is a perfect example of a potentially empty calorie activity. Sometimes spending time on Facebook is beneficial—I chat with friends, get updates on what is going on with distant relatives and watch funny videos. Other times however, Facebook is simply a giant, nutrition-less time suck. I look at albums I have seen a thousand times before, read other people’s wall posts just to make myself feel FOMO (fear of missing out) and generally waste time clicking around on nothing.

Empty calorie time is also not mind-wandering time. It is actually very important for our brains to have time to wander. Recent studies have shown that during mind-wandering time our brain completes essential activities for growth and recuperation.

Empty calorie time is typically exhaustive. Meaning, we spend hours doing something and come out of the activity feeling drained. It’s interesting that it can take more energy to do nothing than to do something. We are actually sucked into empty calorie activities because we are either:

• Too tired to do anything productive.
• Want to stop working, but feel to guilty to take a real break.
• Are bored.
• Are procrastinating from a project or activity that we dread.

The reasons why we get into empty calorie time are actually essential for knowing how to avoid it. Think about the last few times you have experienced empty calorie time. What caused it? We can actually let plan ahead and take precautions so you know what to do the next time it happens:

1)    Make a list of activities that always get you excited, motivated or in a good mood. This list will look different for everyone and sometimes it takes a little creativity. For some reason, organizing my make-up drawer always makes me feel productive. For my mom listening to oldies on high volume can get her re-energized. Think of 3 activities that help get you energetic and keep the list on hand (I have a word document in my computer).

2)    Plan breaks. When we feel like we have to keep working, no work ever gets done. If you are bad at taking breaks, empty calorie time can be a problem because we often fall into time wasting activities when we are feeling too tired to work. If you plan your breaks, you will have less need to do time wasting activities.

3)    Make an anti-boredom list. I have a list of funny websites, logic games and people to call when I feel bored. This really helps me avoid mindless Facebook checking or channel surfing.

4)    Learn to break difficult projects into small chunks. The best way to get over a project you do not like is to break it into 10 minute small projects. If you can do just 10 minutes at a time or start on a small part of the project you will often have enough momentum to keep going.

As more and more devices, games and social networks enter into our lives we have to protect our time. Being aware of and taking steps to avoid empty calorie time not only can make us more productive, but also make sure we only spend our time doing things that make us happy—not sap our energy.

Citations:

Experience sampling during fMRI reveals default network and executive system contributions to mind wandering

At a recent speaking engagement I heard a mother say, “I need to be needed by my kids.” I thought this was a powerful statement and got me thinking about the need to be needed and what that means for us emotionally and mentally. Many of us feel that if we are needed, we are loved. If we are loved, we are connected. When we are connected we have a better possibility to survive. Could relationships tie into our need for survival? In this way our relationships act as regulators. In fact, “the regulatory capacity of relationships is especially evident during infancy. When immature brains depend completely on caretakers for emotional and physical survivial, even a brief separation results in measurable hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) responses” (Hennessy 1997).

This means that our brain actually alerts our body that we need to have connection with others. As we get older, the idea of connection gets muddled. This was evidenced by the mother stating that she needed to be needed, this was her way of feeling loved, connected and therefore scratching her internal itch to survive. Think about how this effects you?

-Do you struggle for people to need you as opposed to love you?

-When thinking about parenting a child, do you like the idea of having another person depend on you?

-Do you pay attention to the needs of others before your own?

Many people will answer yes to one or more of the questions above. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to feel truly fulfilled when you want to be needed rather than loved. We need to pay attention to our own needs, yet this is impossible when we think we need to pay attention to others first for survival. In this way relationships, or outward stimuli are actually regulating our internal environment. This is a shaky way of living. Unfortunately many of us have been conditioned to allow others to dictate how we feel, as opposed to taking charge and regulating our own emotions and moods. How does this work in action?

When A Relationship Is Regulatory:

Clara got up after 7 hours of sleep. Despite the sunny day and her desperate need for coffee, she picks up the phone to call her husband to make sure he got to work on time after an early early morning. When he picks up he is irritated because of the tough morning at work preparing for their 9am meeting. Clara offers to bring him lunch and he gruffly insists that a restaurant will be better than her sandwiches. After a terse dialogue about dinner and plans for the evening, Clara is also irritated for the rest of the morning. The coffee she makes is bitter, she skips her workout to get some of her husbands shirts tailored–thinking that might make him feel better and anxiously awaits her husbands 5pm arrival home.

When A Relationship Is NOT Regulatory:

Clara is having a nice morning. She got 7 hours of sleep, woke up to sunny skies and has an easy morning planned. As she makes her coffee, she dials her husband to see how his early morning went. When he picks up he is irritated because of the tough morning at work preparing for their 9am meeting. Clara offers to bring him lunch and he gruffly insists that a restaurant will be better than her sandwiches. Clara, sensing he will be upset about everything. Wishes him luck, sends him a kiss and hangs up. She takes a deep breath, sips her coffee and decides after her workout she will swing by the bakery and get a treat for after dinner.

The difference in these two stories is how much Clara’s inner world revolved around her husbands actions. In scenario one, Clara’s relationship with her husband is regulatory. She uses her standing with him and his emotional well-being to gauge how her emotional state should be. This happens with many relationships in our lives. Sometimes we even mirror certain friend’s moods after meeting with them or hold our breath when calling our mother. There are some relationships that are unavoidably regulatory. When our boss is in a bad mood, it is hard to stay chiper in the office. However, I think it is very important to examine our relationships in terms of how much they affect us–both positively and negatively. We should be in charge of our own inner space.

Many times even positive relationships can be regulatory and this can turn negative. Intense love or infatuation has the same signs as addiction. Have you ever had a friend who kept getting back with an awful ex? They keep going back for more even though their life is spiraling out of control and the relationships is making them sick. This is because that relationship has become regulatory for them. The relationship helps them gauge their inner feelings, it makes them feel needed, loved and connected–which makes them in turn feel better able to survive.

I challenge you to answer the following questions:

1. Are there any people in my life who make me feel bad about myself after being with them?
2. Are their people or relationships I seek out when I am feeling low? Does their response directly effect my mood?
3. Do I need to feel needed?

Regulatory relationships are not all bad. Some friends and spouses can be very comforting. However, it is always better to be able to control and deal with your inner emotions so as not to depend on others to tell you how you should feel. In addition, we have to work hard as humans to avoid the trap of needing to be needed.

Citations:

Shore, A. (1994). “Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self.”

Hofer, M. (1984). “Relationships As Regulators.”

Hennessy, MB. (1997) “Hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal responses to brief social separation.”

I just finished Mindsight The New Science of Personal Transformation by Daniel Siegel and wanted to summarize some of the main ideas into an easily accessible article. First of all, what is mindsight? This is an excerpt from Siegel’s book:

“Mindsight is a kind of focused attention that allows us to see the internal workings of our own minds. It helps us to be aware of our mental processes without being swept away by them, enables us to get ourselves off the autopilot of ingrained behaviors and habitual responses, and moves us beyond the reactive emotional loops we all have a tendency to get trapped in…The focusing skills that are part of mindsight make it possible to see what is inside, to accept it, and in the accepting to let it go, and, finally, to transform it.”

In other words, mindsight is the capacity to label, analyze and clarify our internal emotional world and how it responds to the world around us. You might be asking yourself, as I did while reading this book: ‘This is a great concept, but where is the science?’

Siegel argues that when we are attentive, the neurons in our brain fire together and that part of your brain becomes activated. This firing amplifies neurplastcity in the brain, which helps us process our emotions. We are literally ‘waking up’ the part of the brain we need to process different emotions.

An example that Siegel gives to help demonstrate the idea of brain activation from mindsight is an experiment done with taxi drivers. The hippocampus is actually enlarged in taxi drivers. This is the part of the brain we use for spatial memory. In addition, Siegel explains, the brain goes on neural pruning sprees and removes neural connections to hone down the various circuits that are unused so brain is more specialized and efficient. Siegel suggests that research finds people with mindful awareness training have a shift in their brain towards ‘approach state’ that allows them to move toward rather than away from challenging situations—which is the brain signature of resilience.

Major Helpful Concepts of Mindsight:

• “Name and Tame:” When of the major principles of Mindsight is to ‘name and tame’ the emotions we are feeling. I find this very helpful and easy to adapt in my own life. If we name the emotions we are experiencing, rather than being overwhelmed by them we are in a much better place to process them. For example, think about the difference between saying “I’m angry” and “I feel angry.” There is a very distinct difference between them. “I’m angry” is a kind of self-defined, limiting state. “I feel angry” suggests the ability to identify and accept an emotion, without being overtaken by it.

• Leaving Autopilot: One of the key concepts Siegel explains, that I find most relevant to my day to day life is being aware of our own mental processes without being swept up by them. This helps us get out of autopilot for ingrained behavior, habitual responses and emotional loops that we can get trapped in.

• Honing the 9 Prefrontal Functions: Siegel touts nine of the major functions of the prefrontal cortex as being key to the development of mindsight: bodily regulation, attuned communication, emotional balance, response flexibility, fear modulation, empathy, insight, moral awareness and intuition. These 9 facets make emotional well-being. Mindsight helps you find impediments to each of the 9 areas so you can liberate the mind’s natural device to heal and reflect. I found it a bit overwhelming to try to think about all 9 at once, but was successful in addressing one area each week. By simply paying attention to each ability, I learned about myself and my ingrained habits.

• Reflection’s Tripod: The major principle of mindsight is focused attention or reflection. Siegel breaks down reflection further into three pillars: openness, observation and objectivity. This is harder than it seems! However, I did find this helpful when trying to reflect on emotions, I normally tried to shove under the rug–jealousy, anger and vulnerability. At the very least, I felt more calm and was able to move past them easier–mindsight or just time?

One of the areas I truly struggled with was having more concrete steps to achieving or even practicing mindsight. Siegel regularly mentions ‘mindfulness training activities’ but rarely expounds upon how to complete these activities without him. Here are a few mindsight training activities I gathered from the examples he uses in the book:

1. Non-verbal communication game of copying someone else’s facial expression and guessing the emotion.
2. Non-verbal communication game of watching TV with the sound off and letting your brain ‘fill-in the blank.’
3. Journaling about your day in pictures/smells/sounds to help activate the senses
4. Trying to draw using different sides of the brain (he recommends some books on the topic)
5. Journaling emotions
6. Finding words to depict our internal world
7. Making ‘mindmaps’ of our self and our relationship with others–how we see ourselves and our relations with others.
8. Tensing and releasing certain muscle groups to become aware of them
9. Having someone say ‘no’ in a harsh tone and then a nice ‘yes’ several times and discussing how it feels when both words are said to you.

I have yet to try any of these specific activities, but could see how they are action steps for the principles of mindsight. I look forward to further scientific studies–MRI’s, focus groups and research done on the principles of mindsight and it’s effects.

Citations:

Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation 2010, New York, NY: Bantam Books

Cozolino, Louis. The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy

Malle, Bertram, Hodges, Sara, eds. Understanding Other Minds (New York: Guilford, 2005).

Eleanor A Maguire et al., “Navigation-Related Structural Change in the Hippocampi of Taxi Drivers,” Proceedings of the National Academu of Sciences 97, 8 (2000): 4398-4403.

Procrastination is always been a problem, but in the digital age the procrastination beast has changed.

Cyberslacking: v Procrastinating or putting off an important task or activity by using technology.

Here are the most popular forms of cyberslacking:

-Cruising Facebook

-Playing Online Games

-Web surfing

-Playing phone games

-Texting or IMing friends to check-in

-Watching YouTube videos

First, cyberslacking is far too easy to do. Because we have so many devices, cyberslacking activities beckon to us from every corner…a buzzing phone in our pocket, a pinging computer on our desk, a beeping iPad from our bag. Often times when I would procrastinate on homework, sheer boredom would bring me back to my work. In all seriousness, I do not think I have been bored in four years—since the advent of Facebook and proliferation of IM and texting. Because I am never bored, it is hard to feel the natural inclination to go back to work, I find more and more that I have to force myself away.

Cyberslacking is also hard to avoid because we now work where we play. Teenagers write their essay on the same computer that they chat with friends. A pinging IM icon is far too tempting when working on a report for work. In addition, my personal and work emails mix so I, along with many others find it hard to say no to a funny YouTube video from a friend when I am supposed to be sending pitch emails.

How can we prevent cyberslacking in our own lives? Here’s how:

1) Make Two Different Users

Make two different users for yourself on your computer—one personal one, and one ‘work’ one. On the work one you can uninstall or remove from the dock any chat or IM programs. On your Internet browser you can get rid of any personal or fun bookmarks. If you are really extreme you can even install parental controls on the work user to block social sites and games.

2) Have a Far-Away Phone Charge Station

A buzzing phone is almost impossible to ignore. If you set-up a charging station by the front door or in the kitchen you can plug it in while working, writing or paying bills. This way you are not inclined to check it or play games.

3) Get Two Email Accounts

Separating out personal and business email is becoming more and more important. Especially when Facebook sends you messages and updates to your email. I highly recommend separating your email accounts to not get distracted.

4) Work in Chunks

Chunking is a great way to work without getting distracted or procrastinate. This is when you use a phone or egg timer to work in chunks—30 minutes on, 5 minutes off. You work very efficiently during your 30 minutes to get to your 5 minute break where you can check Facebook, texts or watch a quick video.

Cyberslacking can creep up on you and sap away your productivity. I highly recommend keeping a log of how much you are working (or not) during a typical day. Avoiding cyberslacking is also how we teach ourselves how to be attentive in life, which is a skill that is slowly disappearing in the digital age.

First, there is nothing to be ashamed of. More and more twenty-somethings (and even thirt-somethings) are moving back in with Mom and Dad. Between the high cost of college, the rough economy and the lack of jobs many young people cannot support themselves on their own. Experts are now calling this the boomerang generation: they leave home, make their way through college, a backpacking trip around the world, their first two (or three) jobs and then end up right back in their childhood bedroom. While not abnormal in today’s climate, the boomerang effect can significantly influence parents, young adults and their relationship.

Here are the issues that arise when kids move home and how to deal:

1) Freedom

Both former empty-nesters and twenty-somethings list lack of freedom as their top concern when thinking about moving home. For parents who were used to an empty house and an extra bedroom for storage, guests and gym equipment, having their child back at home can really crimp their style. Kids also expect to be able to maintain their adult lifestyle even when they move back into their childhood home. Both sides need to get very clear right from the beginning on what kinds of boundaries are going to be set-up. Adult kids are far too old for a curfew, but might need to return home at a decent hour so as not to wake sleeping parents. Loud music, and having friends over are other areas parents and kids need to discuss.

2) Privacy

My adult friends who still live at home or who have recently moved home (as well as my own stints back in my mom’s house when she kindly lets me stay in between travels) are frequently reminded of the privacy issues that arise when they are home. Be sure to talk to your parents about overnight guests, eating habits and nosiness. One friend complained to me that he went for years in college living off of pizza and hot dogs, but now that he is home his mom constantly nags him about getting vegetables. “I don’t know if the free rent is worth it,” he lamented.

3) Chores and Favors

Is mom still going to do laundry? Do kids still have to take out the trash? Is Dad going to cover the groceries and grill enough for three during dinner? These are all issues that are different for every family. Make sure to not go in with any un-discussed expectations. Talk to your parents/kids about what is free in the house (rent, utilities, etc) and what might not be (food, car, etc). You also should discuss what ‘chores’ still need to be done. Adult kids should be able to take on more responsibility—whether that is financial and paying partial rent or through deeds of cleaning the attic, raking the yard or fixing the computers.

Most of all, this is a process. There is no one way for kids to return home and integrate back into the family home. Parents need to make sure they are keeping their boundaries and needs and kids moving home need to keep their privacy and freedom in check.

Recently, I found my wish list from when I was seven. Here is what it said (minus spelling errors):

Barbie with the brown hair and blue sequin dress and perfume bottle

Little Pony Purple

Corral for horses and troughs  (I had miniature plastic horses and wanted a plastic coral and troughs for them)

Pretty Princess make-up kit

Disneyland with Caroline 1 day (my best friend and I both asked for this so we could go together)

No piano lessons

When reading this wish list, I think you can get a pretty good idea of what kind of seven year-old I was: girly, girly, girly. I liked anything that was small, plastic and colorful (sequins helped). Seeing my wish list made me think, what does your gift list say about you?

I began to ask friends what they are wishing for this holiday season. First, I was struck with the surprise that my friends showed when I asked them this question. “What I want for Christmas? Aren’t I too old for that?” They would ask. Or, “my parents have even stopped asking me that question.” Here, I would argue that the question was not meant to make them miss the days of letters to Santa, but think about what their modern day wish list would be and if it says anything about them. Here were a few of the answers (both realistic and not).

To have my college loans paid off

An iPad

A boyfriend

A trip to Thailand

A new sound system in my car

Each of these items did actually speak volumes about the person. My iPad requesting friend is very into technology and the latest and greatest gadget. The person who wanted a new sound system for his car is a musician on his free time and is very particular about his music taste (that is a nice way of putting it). My friend who wanted a boyfriend has baby on the brain and is quickly approaching her thirties.

What do you think your gift wish list says about you? And, another question that makes great conversation topics is, what did you want when you were seven…has it changed much?